So one thing that my wife and I have been told in dealing with Allie's death is to try and find a new normal. A new sense of direction and purpose. This is something that I struggle with and it outright confuses me. One thing, and I know it's a roadblock, is that I don't want a new normal. I want the old normal. I want to be a family of 5. I don't want to think of a life without my Allie bug there in person. It's classic denial, I know, but it's something that I haven't been able to come to terms with. Does finding this new normal mean that I need to move on from her? That's just something that I can't do. She will always be a part of me, she will always be on my mind and in my heart. I've come to the determination that this is an event that you can't just move on from. It's there daily so how do I incorporate that into my new normal?
The next part of this struggle is, am I doing Ayden and Adalynn a disservice by not finding this new normal? Is my holding on to Allie not allowing me to fully commit myself to them and their needs. One of my biggest fears in life is not being the best father that my children deserve. This was something that bothered me before Allie's death. Now that an accident has taken her, I really feel like a disappointment. I couldn't protect my daughter from that tragedy and am I being the best dad now for Ayden and Addy? I find myself being reclusive and agitated way too much anymore. So where in the new normal does that fit? I don't want that to be a part of the new normal, but there is no denying that it is there. How do I make that change? It's just one of many questions that I debate over every day anymore. I just want to be a good dad to them and lately it feels like I am failing.
Sara also has to deal with a lot of my agitation. I'm grumpy and don't sleep and of course she is the first person to be victimized from my behavior. I'm judgmental and un-fair at times. I know that I am wrong, but it won't change. Is this a behavior involved in my new normal? I don't want this to be normal. I want it to be rare occurence. I love my wife and she needs to be told daily how special she is. She deserves that and I really do understand how lucky I am to have her. This new normal just hasn't worked out yet. Maybe there is a way to incorporate the old with the new. It's a fine line, but hopefully it's a problem that I will find a solution to.
One of my biggest battles is with my job. I'm not going to lie, there have been times where I wondered if I could keep doing this type of work. This year would have been my first father/daughter dance with Addy and Allie. I think of the fun we would have had and it's hard. It's hard to plan for it knowing how much it hurts inside. But then I see all those girls out there having the times of their lives and I realize I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I have the ability to affect children's lives in a positive way and I know Allie wouldn't want me to give that up. I will just grow with each program and reminisce with the family of how we think Allie would be.
In the end, I just need to learn to open up and let people in. This is a battle that doesn't need to be fought alone. It's a journey to share with my family so we all can learn. Maybe this is what my new normal should be! Writing sure does have a way in helping to solve problems. My wife and children deserve to have the best Nic that I can be and that will be what they will have!
I will never forget the moment your heart stopped and mine kept beating.....
