Anger

It is exactly one week from the one year anniversary of when god called my daughther home. It's about to be a finish to the hardest year of my life. I wonder, will it ever get easier? I think that answer is simple. It's a resounding, "NO!" How can it get easier? Losing something that special, it affects you forever. The plan is to find a way to live with that pain. The plan is to find a way to live with the guilt. The plan is to find a way to live with the ANGER! I find myself to be such an angry person anymore. Anyone who knows or knew me, they could tell you how much of a clown I was. I never got angry, maybe upset, but never full blown angry! Being a clown, telling jokes, trying to make people laugh, that is who I was. This last year, I can see a change in that. My anger takes control. It leads me to places that I've never been before and brings about thoughts that I never would have guessed I could have. I find myself questioning the fairness of life and really becoming enraged with the littlest of things. This is an emotion that I am struggling to conquer. I don't want it to best me, but it definitely has. 

Guilt usually brings on anger. I blame myself for what happened. I blame myself for not protecting Allie. After that guilt, I become full out angry at myself. I'm mad at everything! I can't sit still and I can't think straight. I just want to scream!! This anger overtakes every rational thought in my head and I begin a conversation with God. Why did you have to take my daughter? What made you think that my family was strong enough to handle this? How could you take away our daughter, Ayden and Addy's sister? The rage just builds and I don't know how to handle it. I've never felt anger like this before! I do my best to keep the episodes away from everybody. I try to wait until everyone is asleep and then let it all out! It doesn't always work like that though. There just isn't an on and off switch for it!

The worst is when I let my anger take a toll on Sara, Ayden, and Adalynn. Sometimes they come to me with a simple question or conversation. My first response is to push them away by being pretty rude. I either yell, or just plain ignore them. What kind of life is that for them? They just want to talk to me or hang out with me. Instead of inviting them in and enjoying this time together, I allow my anger to push them away. At the time, I have no idea what I am doing. Then when the anger clears, I feel horrible because I have pushed away the people I love and the ones that love me. They need me! They look to me for comfort and instead of being there for them, I push them away. Realizing this, makes me angry with myself again! It's a vicious cycle. It's a cycle that I haven't found a solution for yet. I know that Allie wouldn't want this, but how can I overcome? I look at pictures, I watch videos and it just brings on more feelings of anger! How could that sweet face not be here anymore to give me a hug, give me a kiss, sit with me in my chair? All I look at is how unfair it is and it makes me angry.

The first step in this process is understanding that I have a problem. I honestly know that I struggle with it. Sara has done such a great job of understanding and also explaining to me how I act and how it affects her. I see what it does to Ayden and Addy. My goal is to keep working and to become better for them. I also want to do better for Allie. I want her to look down and be proud of her daddy. I don't want her to have to look down and see the "angry guy" who thinks the world is such an unfair place. I want to be able to be with her one day, and when that day comes have her run to me and say, " I love you daddy and I am so proud of how you dealt with my death." At this point, that wouldn't be the case. This next year, I vow to overcome this and to try to become the fun loving, carefree person I once was. I need to find a more healthy way to deal with the pain. Sara, Ayden, Adalynn, and Allie deserve that.

"Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins on the day your child passes and ends on the day the parents join them." - B.J. Karrer