Memories

I sit in my recliner and wish things could be different. I just want normal back. Wouldn't life be easier if there was a reset button. We could make up for mistakes or undo pain that is too much to bear at times. I know that can't happen, but it sure would be nice. The thing that I do have though is memories. These are things that I have avoided for the past year because of the hurt it would bring with it. I refused to watch videos of Allie, I didn't want to talk about things we had done because it hurt to much! I've learned though, that Allie lives on through these memories. Those special moments that we had with her, those are what will always keep her here with us.

The first memory that I would like to talk about is the beginnig of last years run to the World Series by the Kansas City Royals. Allie was still with us at the beginning of that magical run and it's a moment in life that I will never forget. The first game was the wildcard against the Oakland A's. If no one remembers, the games would run late into the night. I would be up by myself while the others were asleep, or so I thought. As I'm sitting there, I would hear tiny footsteps begin to creep up the hallway one slow creak after the other. Then, I would see Allie's head peek around the corner to see who was sitting out in the living room. She knew if it was dad, the road was clear to come on in. If it was mom, she would run back down to her room because truth be told, mom is much better at disciplining than dad. So she would see me and then climb on up to my lap and enjoy the game with me. When I would cheer, usually with a fist pump and a yes, Allie would follow in suit with her own attempt of a fist pump and a yes of her own. I would look at her and she would just smile back and exclaim, "Dough Woywals!" (Go Royals) I didn't know at that time how precious that memory would become to me. It's a moment I've replayed over and over as I sit and watch the Royals run again this season. It's a memory that will stay with me for the rest of my time. It was just a girl, her dad, and a baseball game. Life was simple. 

I've learned that memories such as this one are so important in the healing process. I HAVE to remember her and the good times we had. I will share another funny memory that I have of her. One night, Sara and I started to wonder what was going on. We had put Allie to bed about an hour before and she hadn't made one of her nightly sneaks down the hallway. We go down to check on her and this is what we see. Allie is sitting in the middle of her floor with a box of cereal in one hand and a ziploc bag in the other. The girl loved "cereal in a baggie" as she would call it. It doesn't stop there though. Next to her on the floor was a package of hot dogs that she had started taking bites of, thru the packaging. There was no need to cook them or even take the time to remove the packaging. She decided to just eat it all!! That little sneak had made her way to the refrigerator, pantry, and back to her room without a peep. That's my girl!!!

I no longer try to avoid or run from these when they come to my head. Instead, I embrace them. I look up to heaven and tell her that I love her and to thank God for blessing her with me. She might not be here physically anymore, but I can feel her wonderful spirit all around. She's my family's guardian angel and I need to cope with that. I would give anything to have her on my lap again this year, giving the fist pump, shouting out yes, and especially some more of that "Dough Woywals!" It's so important to remember the people we love for what they were. It helps others understand why they were so important and exactly who they were. It's our job to make sure they are never forgotten and that starts with those wonderful memories!!

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, LOVE leaves a memory that no one can steal

Anger

It is exactly one week from the one year anniversary of when god called my daughther home. It's about to be a finish to the hardest year of my life. I wonder, will it ever get easier? I think that answer is simple. It's a resounding, "NO!" How can it get easier? Losing something that special, it affects you forever. The plan is to find a way to live with that pain. The plan is to find a way to live with the guilt. The plan is to find a way to live with the ANGER! I find myself to be such an angry person anymore. Anyone who knows or knew me, they could tell you how much of a clown I was. I never got angry, maybe upset, but never full blown angry! Being a clown, telling jokes, trying to make people laugh, that is who I was. This last year, I can see a change in that. My anger takes control. It leads me to places that I've never been before and brings about thoughts that I never would have guessed I could have. I find myself questioning the fairness of life and really becoming enraged with the littlest of things. This is an emotion that I am struggling to conquer. I don't want it to best me, but it definitely has. 

Guilt usually brings on anger. I blame myself for what happened. I blame myself for not protecting Allie. After that guilt, I become full out angry at myself. I'm mad at everything! I can't sit still and I can't think straight. I just want to scream!! This anger overtakes every rational thought in my head and I begin a conversation with God. Why did you have to take my daughter? What made you think that my family was strong enough to handle this? How could you take away our daughter, Ayden and Addy's sister? The rage just builds and I don't know how to handle it. I've never felt anger like this before! I do my best to keep the episodes away from everybody. I try to wait until everyone is asleep and then let it all out! It doesn't always work like that though. There just isn't an on and off switch for it!

The worst is when I let my anger take a toll on Sara, Ayden, and Adalynn. Sometimes they come to me with a simple question or conversation. My first response is to push them away by being pretty rude. I either yell, or just plain ignore them. What kind of life is that for them? They just want to talk to me or hang out with me. Instead of inviting them in and enjoying this time together, I allow my anger to push them away. At the time, I have no idea what I am doing. Then when the anger clears, I feel horrible because I have pushed away the people I love and the ones that love me. They need me! They look to me for comfort and instead of being there for them, I push them away. Realizing this, makes me angry with myself again! It's a vicious cycle. It's a cycle that I haven't found a solution for yet. I know that Allie wouldn't want this, but how can I overcome? I look at pictures, I watch videos and it just brings on more feelings of anger! How could that sweet face not be here anymore to give me a hug, give me a kiss, sit with me in my chair? All I look at is how unfair it is and it makes me angry.

The first step in this process is understanding that I have a problem. I honestly know that I struggle with it. Sara has done such a great job of understanding and also explaining to me how I act and how it affects her. I see what it does to Ayden and Addy. My goal is to keep working and to become better for them. I also want to do better for Allie. I want her to look down and be proud of her daddy. I don't want her to have to look down and see the "angry guy" who thinks the world is such an unfair place. I want to be able to be with her one day, and when that day comes have her run to me and say, " I love you daddy and I am so proud of how you dealt with my death." At this point, that wouldn't be the case. This next year, I vow to overcome this and to try to become the fun loving, carefree person I once was. I need to find a more healthy way to deal with the pain. Sara, Ayden, Adalynn, and Allie deserve that.

"Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins on the day your child passes and ends on the day the parents join them." - B.J. Karrer