Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I know it's been awhile since I've written you a letter myself. At some point along the way, I stopped believing in the magic and for that I am sorry. I'm writing you this year because I have one simple request. It may seem a little off the wall and maybe not something that you are asked of very often, but I am hoping that you may be able to make this christmas wish come true. Last year, I lost my daughter at the age of 2. She was the sweetest, most lovable child and not a day goes by that I don't think about her. I think of her laughing, crying, playing with her brother and sister and sneaking into my wife and I's bedroom in the middle of the night to cuddle. Before we get to deep into this, please understand that I am not asking for her to be returned to us. I know that there is no way that can happen, but what I'm about to ask for will give me the most memorable christmas to date. If it happens, I couldn't think of a better gift that I've received on December 25th for the thirty six years that I have been alive. Santa, I am asking you for a dream. Not just any plain, run of the mill dream, but rather a dream that brings me back to the time before the pain in my heart became part of a daily routine. I'm asking for a dream that goes back to when Allie was still with us. In this dream, I would like to feel the warmth of her hug, the slobber from her kisses, and be able to get that unique Allie smell one more time. I want this dream to feel exaclty like real life. A dream where I get to witness her playing with Ayden and Addy and laughing the day away. I get to see her run into her mother's arms and just giggle as Sara tickles her pudgy little belly. Next, I want to experience her peeking her head around the hallway corner again. I want to see that huge smile on her face when she realizes I am the only one up and she gets to come hang out with daddy. We have our usual silly conversation and then fall asleep with her arms wrapped snuggly around me and I get to feel her heart beat against my chest. I really want that dream where there is no pain, only happiness. I want it to be so realistic that I wake up with tears streaming down my face because it hurt so much to have to wake up from it. Santa, not only do I want that for myself for christmas this year, but I wish that for others that have lost someone special to them in their life. I've realized that dreams like this are ever so important and special because it allows to remember what we had, how lucky we were, and that these people will truly always be with us. So for christmas this year santa, please spread the wish of a dream. I yearn for that real feeling with Allie again and what better time to make it happen than now?


Sincerely,

Nic

Though we only held you in our arms for a little while, we will hold you in our hearts forever.

Memories

I sit in my recliner and wish things could be different. I just want normal back. Wouldn't life be easier if there was a reset button. We could make up for mistakes or undo pain that is too much to bear at times. I know that can't happen, but it sure would be nice. The thing that I do have though is memories. These are things that I have avoided for the past year because of the hurt it would bring with it. I refused to watch videos of Allie, I didn't want to talk about things we had done because it hurt to much! I've learned though, that Allie lives on through these memories. Those special moments that we had with her, those are what will always keep her here with us.

The first memory that I would like to talk about is the beginnig of last years run to the World Series by the Kansas City Royals. Allie was still with us at the beginning of that magical run and it's a moment in life that I will never forget. The first game was the wildcard against the Oakland A's. If no one remembers, the games would run late into the night. I would be up by myself while the others were asleep, or so I thought. As I'm sitting there, I would hear tiny footsteps begin to creep up the hallway one slow creak after the other. Then, I would see Allie's head peek around the corner to see who was sitting out in the living room. She knew if it was dad, the road was clear to come on in. If it was mom, she would run back down to her room because truth be told, mom is much better at disciplining than dad. So she would see me and then climb on up to my lap and enjoy the game with me. When I would cheer, usually with a fist pump and a yes, Allie would follow in suit with her own attempt of a fist pump and a yes of her own. I would look at her and she would just smile back and exclaim, "Dough Woywals!" (Go Royals) I didn't know at that time how precious that memory would become to me. It's a moment I've replayed over and over as I sit and watch the Royals run again this season. It's a memory that will stay with me for the rest of my time. It was just a girl, her dad, and a baseball game. Life was simple. 

I've learned that memories such as this one are so important in the healing process. I HAVE to remember her and the good times we had. I will share another funny memory that I have of her. One night, Sara and I started to wonder what was going on. We had put Allie to bed about an hour before and she hadn't made one of her nightly sneaks down the hallway. We go down to check on her and this is what we see. Allie is sitting in the middle of her floor with a box of cereal in one hand and a ziploc bag in the other. The girl loved "cereal in a baggie" as she would call it. It doesn't stop there though. Next to her on the floor was a package of hot dogs that she had started taking bites of, thru the packaging. There was no need to cook them or even take the time to remove the packaging. She decided to just eat it all!! That little sneak had made her way to the refrigerator, pantry, and back to her room without a peep. That's my girl!!!

I no longer try to avoid or run from these when they come to my head. Instead, I embrace them. I look up to heaven and tell her that I love her and to thank God for blessing her with me. She might not be here physically anymore, but I can feel her wonderful spirit all around. She's my family's guardian angel and I need to cope with that. I would give anything to have her on my lap again this year, giving the fist pump, shouting out yes, and especially some more of that "Dough Woywals!" It's so important to remember the people we love for what they were. It helps others understand why they were so important and exactly who they were. It's our job to make sure they are never forgotten and that starts with those wonderful memories!!

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, LOVE leaves a memory that no one can steal

Anger

It is exactly one week from the one year anniversary of when god called my daughther home. It's about to be a finish to the hardest year of my life. I wonder, will it ever get easier? I think that answer is simple. It's a resounding, "NO!" How can it get easier? Losing something that special, it affects you forever. The plan is to find a way to live with that pain. The plan is to find a way to live with the guilt. The plan is to find a way to live with the ANGER! I find myself to be such an angry person anymore. Anyone who knows or knew me, they could tell you how much of a clown I was. I never got angry, maybe upset, but never full blown angry! Being a clown, telling jokes, trying to make people laugh, that is who I was. This last year, I can see a change in that. My anger takes control. It leads me to places that I've never been before and brings about thoughts that I never would have guessed I could have. I find myself questioning the fairness of life and really becoming enraged with the littlest of things. This is an emotion that I am struggling to conquer. I don't want it to best me, but it definitely has. 

Guilt usually brings on anger. I blame myself for what happened. I blame myself for not protecting Allie. After that guilt, I become full out angry at myself. I'm mad at everything! I can't sit still and I can't think straight. I just want to scream!! This anger overtakes every rational thought in my head and I begin a conversation with God. Why did you have to take my daughter? What made you think that my family was strong enough to handle this? How could you take away our daughter, Ayden and Addy's sister? The rage just builds and I don't know how to handle it. I've never felt anger like this before! I do my best to keep the episodes away from everybody. I try to wait until everyone is asleep and then let it all out! It doesn't always work like that though. There just isn't an on and off switch for it!

The worst is when I let my anger take a toll on Sara, Ayden, and Adalynn. Sometimes they come to me with a simple question or conversation. My first response is to push them away by being pretty rude. I either yell, or just plain ignore them. What kind of life is that for them? They just want to talk to me or hang out with me. Instead of inviting them in and enjoying this time together, I allow my anger to push them away. At the time, I have no idea what I am doing. Then when the anger clears, I feel horrible because I have pushed away the people I love and the ones that love me. They need me! They look to me for comfort and instead of being there for them, I push them away. Realizing this, makes me angry with myself again! It's a vicious cycle. It's a cycle that I haven't found a solution for yet. I know that Allie wouldn't want this, but how can I overcome? I look at pictures, I watch videos and it just brings on more feelings of anger! How could that sweet face not be here anymore to give me a hug, give me a kiss, sit with me in my chair? All I look at is how unfair it is and it makes me angry.

The first step in this process is understanding that I have a problem. I honestly know that I struggle with it. Sara has done such a great job of understanding and also explaining to me how I act and how it affects her. I see what it does to Ayden and Addy. My goal is to keep working and to become better for them. I also want to do better for Allie. I want her to look down and be proud of her daddy. I don't want her to have to look down and see the "angry guy" who thinks the world is such an unfair place. I want to be able to be with her one day, and when that day comes have her run to me and say, " I love you daddy and I am so proud of how you dealt with my death." At this point, that wouldn't be the case. This next year, I vow to overcome this and to try to become the fun loving, carefree person I once was. I need to find a more healthy way to deal with the pain. Sara, Ayden, Adalynn, and Allie deserve that.

"Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins on the day your child passes and ends on the day the parents join them." - B.J. Karrer

Heartbreak

An angel wrote in the book of life my daughter's date of birth, then whispered as she closed the book, "Too beautiful for earth." This is just one of the many quotes that I search for to try and help me understand what has happened. It's a beautiful quote and offers some rationale as to what transpired. God decided that he needed Allie in heaven. The one solace I have is that there is no doubt where she is. She was too sweet and innocent and heaven is the only place a child can go. All these thoughts are used to provide comfort, it's what I tell people when they ask how we are doing. I say, " we are doing ok because we know where she is." I use these types of things to "go on" with life. I use it to help me stay positive for my wife and children. The heartbreak that lies within is unbearable at time though. I am going to share some of these moments in this post. Again, my hope is that by writing about it, it reaches others in the same struggles and speaks to them and also helps me in my healing process.

Dreams can be a great thing, but can also tease you. I remember my first dream of Allie after the accident. It was around 3 months after her death. The entire family was going into a gym for Ayden's wrestling tournament. As we walk into the gym, my Grandpa Harter sits up from a section and waves us over. (He also has left this earth) Seeing him brought a huge smile to my face and we began to walk over. As we got there, I look over and Ayden is walking beside me and Sara is holding Adalynn's hand. I then look into my own arms and I'm holding Allie. I don't see her face though when I look down. We continue on and join the family in the section of the bleachers. My mom says hello and asks to hold Allie. I hear Allie say, "no", in the sweetest voice and then I look down at her and see her smiling at me. Then, I wake up! As I sit up, the tears are already streaming down my face. I go to the living room and cry for an hour. Oh how I miss that  voice, that face, just everything about her. I walk to her room 3 different times to make sure the whole accident wasn't a dream. I swear I hear her! It's a crazy thing because this dream HURT so much, but I am so happy that I have it. I lay down at night hoping to have more understanding the pain that will follow. In these situations, I'm asking for the heartbreak, but to see that face again would be so worth it!!

The hardest thing to witness now is the pain on my children's face when they talk about Allie and how much they miss her. Their heartbreak is so gut wrenching because they are experiencing this at such a young age. I know growing up, I thought I knew what a broken heart was when a girl would break up with me. I had no understanding! These kids actually know what it is and have to live with it the rest of their lives. I try so hard to shield them from the pain, but I know that I can't. They love their sister so much. Adalynn will be sitting there some nights and just burst into tears. She cries out that she misses Allie. Why did she have to die. She wants to know why her best friend can't play house with her anymore? Death is such a confusing thing for her. Allie really was her best friend. She defended her sister and was really the only one that could understand her. Allie knew when Adalynn needed her and also knew when it was time to take control of her. It was such a great relationship. When Adalynn cries about her, you can hear the hurt and see the pain in her face. As a father, all I can do is hold her and partake in the heartache with her. Ayden is the protector of his sisters. He is a great big brother and really feels responsible for them. It was just last night when he told me of a dream that he had of Allie. He started telling me about how they came home with mom and she went and laid in her crib, then I look at him and his eyes squeeze shut, his hands go up to cover his face and the tears start rolling. He's trying not to cry, but he can't contain it. The hurt in his face is so real and so painful to see. He misses that girl with every fiber of his being. I tell him that he doesn't have to say anymore about that dream, then Sara and I go over to just hug him. That heartache, that's the worst. All I can do is hold them, I can't say everything is going to be alright, but I do say we will get through this together.

I also sit back and watch what my wife has to deal with. Her heartache is so great. She lost her baby, she had to see Allie after it happened, she also had to try to hide this from the kids. So much for one person to try and deal with. Allie and her mother had the greatest relationship. They just understood one another. Allie knew when it was time to give mom a hug or just cuddle with her. She also knew when it was time to leave mom alone and just went and kept herself contempt. To lose that relationship has killed Sara inside. She doesn't have to say, I can see it. I see her heartache every day and it too, is so hard to witness. I don't always know what to say or what to do, the only thing I can do is offer a hug, a few words of encouragement, and a guarantee that I will always be there.

So with this heartache, I search for quotes, motivational poems, anything that will help make sense of the matter. I know life will never be the same, but the struggle can't overcome what life we have left to live. I try to make sure I do the right things so when my time is up, I get to go see our Allie again. Losing a child, no matter what age, makes your heart break in places that you never knew existed.

To lose a child, is to lose a piece of yourself

"What if"

   It's getting closer to that time. October 13th is the day that I will always dread for the remainder of my time on this earth. This was the day that our sweet little girl, Allie Jade, passed away. For those that don't know, Allie was tragically killed in an accident at our home. She attempted to climb a dresser and on the dresser was a TV. The dresser and TV fell on her, killing her instantly. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her. Dealing with all the emotions involved has been such a challenge and I am hoping that writing about them and her will help in the coping process. I also have hope that this blog can somehow reach others struggling with loss and perhaps let them know they aren't alone.

   The first post that I want to write about is guilt. That's why I titled this "What If." This is a question that I ask myself on a daily basis. I replay scenario after scenario and wonder what could have been done differently. What events led to the loss of my beautiful daughter? So here are some of my questions that I find myself asking:

What if I would have moved that TV off of that dresser? Why wouldn't I have moved that TV off of the dresser? What kind of parent in their right mind would have such a dangerous set up in the first place? As a parent, it's my job to do everything in my power to protect our children. As a father, it's especially my job to deal with a task such as this one. Everyday I remind myself that I failed horribly at this. By not fulfilling my duties, I didn't protect my baby.

What if I wouldn't have decided to play basketball that day? What if I would have just came home for lunch? I know that she would have been sitting on my lap bumming food off of my plate as usual.(It's hard to describe how much I miss sharing my food with her) I could have been home having a normal day as usual. Instead, my decision led to a police officer coming into the gym and telling me I needed to go with him because there has been an accident. That was the most lonely, empty feeling. Riding to the hospital, not knowing what is wrong. I could have been home, with her on my lap. Another decision made by me, that failed her.

What if I could take back what my wife and children had to see? Why couldn't that burden be placed on me? My wife and other 2 children were at home with her that day. They all had to see the aftermath of the accident. They had to witness paramedics coming to try and save Allie. They should not have to deal with this! Such pain and such hurt for a mother, an 8 year old, and a 4 year old to have to try and deal with. Where was I to shield this pain from them? Again, I have failed! Some great parent and husband I've turned out to be!!!

After battling these questions through the day, there comes a time when I decide to try and remove the guilt. The first thing I tell myself, how could I have ever predicted that this would happen? All three of my children were raised in a room with a TV on a dresser for them to watch. How would I know this would happen. I try to play basketball everyday at noon to get in some exercise, how would I know that day, would turn out the way it did. Could I have predicted that my wife and children would have to experience what they did? There's absolutely no way!!

I wanted to share these struggles because I'm sure there are others out there struggling with guilt. I want you to know that it is human nature to have these feelings, especially as a parent. There is no pain greater than burying your child. Guilt is always going to be there in this situation because we feel we have let our child down. It's not the way it's supposed to be. We are supposed to watch our children grow, have families of their own, and then eventually pass on. I want others to know that you're not alone. It will be a daily struggle, but at some point you do have to understand that you couldn't have known. Because if you would have, you would have stopped the bad from happening.

I have a hard time communicating my battles in voice, so I hope by writing about it, that it will help in the healing process. I know the hurt will be there everyday, I explain to people that it's like you wake up every morning with a broken heart. The hope is that life becomes more bearable, that I become more bearable for my family, and that my other 2 children get the love they deserve. I also hope that this finds someone struggling with the same issues and speaks to them. I know we will always have Allie's Memories, and I will forever cherish them!

Child loss is not an event, it is an indescribable journey of survival