Heartbreak

An angel wrote in the book of life my daughter's date of birth, then whispered as she closed the book, "Too beautiful for earth." This is just one of the many quotes that I search for to try and help me understand what has happened. It's a beautiful quote and offers some rationale as to what transpired. God decided that he needed Allie in heaven. The one solace I have is that there is no doubt where she is. She was too sweet and innocent and heaven is the only place a child can go. All these thoughts are used to provide comfort, it's what I tell people when they ask how we are doing. I say, " we are doing ok because we know where she is." I use these types of things to "go on" with life. I use it to help me stay positive for my wife and children. The heartbreak that lies within is unbearable at time though. I am going to share some of these moments in this post. Again, my hope is that by writing about it, it reaches others in the same struggles and speaks to them and also helps me in my healing process.

Dreams can be a great thing, but can also tease you. I remember my first dream of Allie after the accident. It was around 3 months after her death. The entire family was going into a gym for Ayden's wrestling tournament. As we walk into the gym, my Grandpa Harter sits up from a section and waves us over. (He also has left this earth) Seeing him brought a huge smile to my face and we began to walk over. As we got there, I look over and Ayden is walking beside me and Sara is holding Adalynn's hand. I then look into my own arms and I'm holding Allie. I don't see her face though when I look down. We continue on and join the family in the section of the bleachers. My mom says hello and asks to hold Allie. I hear Allie say, "no", in the sweetest voice and then I look down at her and see her smiling at me. Then, I wake up! As I sit up, the tears are already streaming down my face. I go to the living room and cry for an hour. Oh how I miss that  voice, that face, just everything about her. I walk to her room 3 different times to make sure the whole accident wasn't a dream. I swear I hear her! It's a crazy thing because this dream HURT so much, but I am so happy that I have it. I lay down at night hoping to have more understanding the pain that will follow. In these situations, I'm asking for the heartbreak, but to see that face again would be so worth it!!

The hardest thing to witness now is the pain on my children's face when they talk about Allie and how much they miss her. Their heartbreak is so gut wrenching because they are experiencing this at such a young age. I know growing up, I thought I knew what a broken heart was when a girl would break up with me. I had no understanding! These kids actually know what it is and have to live with it the rest of their lives. I try so hard to shield them from the pain, but I know that I can't. They love their sister so much. Adalynn will be sitting there some nights and just burst into tears. She cries out that she misses Allie. Why did she have to die. She wants to know why her best friend can't play house with her anymore? Death is such a confusing thing for her. Allie really was her best friend. She defended her sister and was really the only one that could understand her. Allie knew when Adalynn needed her and also knew when it was time to take control of her. It was such a great relationship. When Adalynn cries about her, you can hear the hurt and see the pain in her face. As a father, all I can do is hold her and partake in the heartache with her. Ayden is the protector of his sisters. He is a great big brother and really feels responsible for them. It was just last night when he told me of a dream that he had of Allie. He started telling me about how they came home with mom and she went and laid in her crib, then I look at him and his eyes squeeze shut, his hands go up to cover his face and the tears start rolling. He's trying not to cry, but he can't contain it. The hurt in his face is so real and so painful to see. He misses that girl with every fiber of his being. I tell him that he doesn't have to say anymore about that dream, then Sara and I go over to just hug him. That heartache, that's the worst. All I can do is hold them, I can't say everything is going to be alright, but I do say we will get through this together.

I also sit back and watch what my wife has to deal with. Her heartache is so great. She lost her baby, she had to see Allie after it happened, she also had to try to hide this from the kids. So much for one person to try and deal with. Allie and her mother had the greatest relationship. They just understood one another. Allie knew when it was time to give mom a hug or just cuddle with her. She also knew when it was time to leave mom alone and just went and kept herself contempt. To lose that relationship has killed Sara inside. She doesn't have to say, I can see it. I see her heartache every day and it too, is so hard to witness. I don't always know what to say or what to do, the only thing I can do is offer a hug, a few words of encouragement, and a guarantee that I will always be there.

So with this heartache, I search for quotes, motivational poems, anything that will help make sense of the matter. I know life will never be the same, but the struggle can't overcome what life we have left to live. I try to make sure I do the right things so when my time is up, I get to go see our Allie again. Losing a child, no matter what age, makes your heart break in places that you never knew existed.

To lose a child, is to lose a piece of yourself

"What if"

   It's getting closer to that time. October 13th is the day that I will always dread for the remainder of my time on this earth. This was the day that our sweet little girl, Allie Jade, passed away. For those that don't know, Allie was tragically killed in an accident at our home. She attempted to climb a dresser and on the dresser was a TV. The dresser and TV fell on her, killing her instantly. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her. Dealing with all the emotions involved has been such a challenge and I am hoping that writing about them and her will help in the coping process. I also have hope that this blog can somehow reach others struggling with loss and perhaps let them know they aren't alone.

   The first post that I want to write about is guilt. That's why I titled this "What If." This is a question that I ask myself on a daily basis. I replay scenario after scenario and wonder what could have been done differently. What events led to the loss of my beautiful daughter? So here are some of my questions that I find myself asking:

What if I would have moved that TV off of that dresser? Why wouldn't I have moved that TV off of the dresser? What kind of parent in their right mind would have such a dangerous set up in the first place? As a parent, it's my job to do everything in my power to protect our children. As a father, it's especially my job to deal with a task such as this one. Everyday I remind myself that I failed horribly at this. By not fulfilling my duties, I didn't protect my baby.

What if I wouldn't have decided to play basketball that day? What if I would have just came home for lunch? I know that she would have been sitting on my lap bumming food off of my plate as usual.(It's hard to describe how much I miss sharing my food with her) I could have been home having a normal day as usual. Instead, my decision led to a police officer coming into the gym and telling me I needed to go with him because there has been an accident. That was the most lonely, empty feeling. Riding to the hospital, not knowing what is wrong. I could have been home, with her on my lap. Another decision made by me, that failed her.

What if I could take back what my wife and children had to see? Why couldn't that burden be placed on me? My wife and other 2 children were at home with her that day. They all had to see the aftermath of the accident. They had to witness paramedics coming to try and save Allie. They should not have to deal with this! Such pain and such hurt for a mother, an 8 year old, and a 4 year old to have to try and deal with. Where was I to shield this pain from them? Again, I have failed! Some great parent and husband I've turned out to be!!!

After battling these questions through the day, there comes a time when I decide to try and remove the guilt. The first thing I tell myself, how could I have ever predicted that this would happen? All three of my children were raised in a room with a TV on a dresser for them to watch. How would I know this would happen. I try to play basketball everyday at noon to get in some exercise, how would I know that day, would turn out the way it did. Could I have predicted that my wife and children would have to experience what they did? There's absolutely no way!!

I wanted to share these struggles because I'm sure there are others out there struggling with guilt. I want you to know that it is human nature to have these feelings, especially as a parent. There is no pain greater than burying your child. Guilt is always going to be there in this situation because we feel we have let our child down. It's not the way it's supposed to be. We are supposed to watch our children grow, have families of their own, and then eventually pass on. I want others to know that you're not alone. It will be a daily struggle, but at some point you do have to understand that you couldn't have known. Because if you would have, you would have stopped the bad from happening.

I have a hard time communicating my battles in voice, so I hope by writing about it, that it will help in the healing process. I know the hurt will be there everyday, I explain to people that it's like you wake up every morning with a broken heart. The hope is that life becomes more bearable, that I become more bearable for my family, and that my other 2 children get the love they deserve. I also hope that this finds someone struggling with the same issues and speaks to them. I know we will always have Allie's Memories, and I will forever cherish them!

Child loss is not an event, it is an indescribable journey of survival