"What if"

   It's getting closer to that time. October 13th is the day that I will always dread for the remainder of my time on this earth. This was the day that our sweet little girl, Allie Jade, passed away. For those that don't know, Allie was tragically killed in an accident at our home. She attempted to climb a dresser and on the dresser was a TV. The dresser and TV fell on her, killing her instantly. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her. Dealing with all the emotions involved has been such a challenge and I am hoping that writing about them and her will help in the coping process. I also have hope that this blog can somehow reach others struggling with loss and perhaps let them know they aren't alone.

   The first post that I want to write about is guilt. That's why I titled this "What If." This is a question that I ask myself on a daily basis. I replay scenario after scenario and wonder what could have been done differently. What events led to the loss of my beautiful daughter? So here are some of my questions that I find myself asking:

What if I would have moved that TV off of that dresser? Why wouldn't I have moved that TV off of the dresser? What kind of parent in their right mind would have such a dangerous set up in the first place? As a parent, it's my job to do everything in my power to protect our children. As a father, it's especially my job to deal with a task such as this one. Everyday I remind myself that I failed horribly at this. By not fulfilling my duties, I didn't protect my baby.

What if I wouldn't have decided to play basketball that day? What if I would have just came home for lunch? I know that she would have been sitting on my lap bumming food off of my plate as usual.(It's hard to describe how much I miss sharing my food with her) I could have been home having a normal day as usual. Instead, my decision led to a police officer coming into the gym and telling me I needed to go with him because there has been an accident. That was the most lonely, empty feeling. Riding to the hospital, not knowing what is wrong. I could have been home, with her on my lap. Another decision made by me, that failed her.

What if I could take back what my wife and children had to see? Why couldn't that burden be placed on me? My wife and other 2 children were at home with her that day. They all had to see the aftermath of the accident. They had to witness paramedics coming to try and save Allie. They should not have to deal with this! Such pain and such hurt for a mother, an 8 year old, and a 4 year old to have to try and deal with. Where was I to shield this pain from them? Again, I have failed! Some great parent and husband I've turned out to be!!!

After battling these questions through the day, there comes a time when I decide to try and remove the guilt. The first thing I tell myself, how could I have ever predicted that this would happen? All three of my children were raised in a room with a TV on a dresser for them to watch. How would I know this would happen. I try to play basketball everyday at noon to get in some exercise, how would I know that day, would turn out the way it did. Could I have predicted that my wife and children would have to experience what they did? There's absolutely no way!!

I wanted to share these struggles because I'm sure there are others out there struggling with guilt. I want you to know that it is human nature to have these feelings, especially as a parent. There is no pain greater than burying your child. Guilt is always going to be there in this situation because we feel we have let our child down. It's not the way it's supposed to be. We are supposed to watch our children grow, have families of their own, and then eventually pass on. I want others to know that you're not alone. It will be a daily struggle, but at some point you do have to understand that you couldn't have known. Because if you would have, you would have stopped the bad from happening.

I have a hard time communicating my battles in voice, so I hope by writing about it, that it will help in the healing process. I know the hurt will be there everyday, I explain to people that it's like you wake up every morning with a broken heart. The hope is that life becomes more bearable, that I become more bearable for my family, and that my other 2 children get the love they deserve. I also hope that this finds someone struggling with the same issues and speaks to them. I know we will always have Allie's Memories, and I will forever cherish them!

Child loss is not an event, it is an indescribable journey of survival