Heartbreak

An angel wrote in the book of life my daughter's date of birth, then whispered as she closed the book, "Too beautiful for earth." This is just one of the many quotes that I search for to try and help me understand what has happened. It's a beautiful quote and offers some rationale as to what transpired. God decided that he needed Allie in heaven. The one solace I have is that there is no doubt where she is. She was too sweet and innocent and heaven is the only place a child can go. All these thoughts are used to provide comfort, it's what I tell people when they ask how we are doing. I say, " we are doing ok because we know where she is." I use these types of things to "go on" with life. I use it to help me stay positive for my wife and children. The heartbreak that lies within is unbearable at time though. I am going to share some of these moments in this post. Again, my hope is that by writing about it, it reaches others in the same struggles and speaks to them and also helps me in my healing process.

Dreams can be a great thing, but can also tease you. I remember my first dream of Allie after the accident. It was around 3 months after her death. The entire family was going into a gym for Ayden's wrestling tournament. As we walk into the gym, my Grandpa Harter sits up from a section and waves us over. (He also has left this earth) Seeing him brought a huge smile to my face and we began to walk over. As we got there, I look over and Ayden is walking beside me and Sara is holding Adalynn's hand. I then look into my own arms and I'm holding Allie. I don't see her face though when I look down. We continue on and join the family in the section of the bleachers. My mom says hello and asks to hold Allie. I hear Allie say, "no", in the sweetest voice and then I look down at her and see her smiling at me. Then, I wake up! As I sit up, the tears are already streaming down my face. I go to the living room and cry for an hour. Oh how I miss that  voice, that face, just everything about her. I walk to her room 3 different times to make sure the whole accident wasn't a dream. I swear I hear her! It's a crazy thing because this dream HURT so much, but I am so happy that I have it. I lay down at night hoping to have more understanding the pain that will follow. In these situations, I'm asking for the heartbreak, but to see that face again would be so worth it!!

The hardest thing to witness now is the pain on my children's face when they talk about Allie and how much they miss her. Their heartbreak is so gut wrenching because they are experiencing this at such a young age. I know growing up, I thought I knew what a broken heart was when a girl would break up with me. I had no understanding! These kids actually know what it is and have to live with it the rest of their lives. I try so hard to shield them from the pain, but I know that I can't. They love their sister so much. Adalynn will be sitting there some nights and just burst into tears. She cries out that she misses Allie. Why did she have to die. She wants to know why her best friend can't play house with her anymore? Death is such a confusing thing for her. Allie really was her best friend. She defended her sister and was really the only one that could understand her. Allie knew when Adalynn needed her and also knew when it was time to take control of her. It was such a great relationship. When Adalynn cries about her, you can hear the hurt and see the pain in her face. As a father, all I can do is hold her and partake in the heartache with her. Ayden is the protector of his sisters. He is a great big brother and really feels responsible for them. It was just last night when he told me of a dream that he had of Allie. He started telling me about how they came home with mom and she went and laid in her crib, then I look at him and his eyes squeeze shut, his hands go up to cover his face and the tears start rolling. He's trying not to cry, but he can't contain it. The hurt in his face is so real and so painful to see. He misses that girl with every fiber of his being. I tell him that he doesn't have to say anymore about that dream, then Sara and I go over to just hug him. That heartache, that's the worst. All I can do is hold them, I can't say everything is going to be alright, but I do say we will get through this together.

I also sit back and watch what my wife has to deal with. Her heartache is so great. She lost her baby, she had to see Allie after it happened, she also had to try to hide this from the kids. So much for one person to try and deal with. Allie and her mother had the greatest relationship. They just understood one another. Allie knew when it was time to give mom a hug or just cuddle with her. She also knew when it was time to leave mom alone and just went and kept herself contempt. To lose that relationship has killed Sara inside. She doesn't have to say, I can see it. I see her heartache every day and it too, is so hard to witness. I don't always know what to say or what to do, the only thing I can do is offer a hug, a few words of encouragement, and a guarantee that I will always be there.

So with this heartache, I search for quotes, motivational poems, anything that will help make sense of the matter. I know life will never be the same, but the struggle can't overcome what life we have left to live. I try to make sure I do the right things so when my time is up, I get to go see our Allie again. Losing a child, no matter what age, makes your heart break in places that you never knew existed.

To lose a child, is to lose a piece of yourself